Reclaiming Your Voice: Practicing Assertive Communication

Are you struggling with people-pleasing, fear of conflict, or self-doubt? You’re not alone.

Many of my clients come to therapy saying things like:

“I struggle to speak up.”

“I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”

“It’s like my voice doesn’t matter.”

If that resonates, know this — I’ve been there too. As a recovering people-pleaser, I know firsthand what it’s like to feel invisible, to believe that other people’s needs matter more than your own.

Assertive communication can feel scary, especially when life has taught you that staying small keeps you safe. But what if I told you that change is possible? With practice, self-awareness, and healthy boundaries, you can begin to shift how you show up — and start speaking with confidence and clarity.

Why It Feels So Hard to Speak Up

Our ability to communicate is deeply shaped by early life experiences. Maybe you grew up in a home where the unspoken rule was, “children should be seen and not heard.” Or perhaps when you did try to express yourself — in school, in your family, or in relationships — you were shut down, dismissed, or misunderstood. Over time, you may have learned to silence yourself before anyone else could.

For many of us, that pain runs even deeper. Systems of oppression and discrimination have long told us that we’re too much, too loud, too emotional, or that we simply don’t belong. These harmful messages can leave lasting scars,  making it difficult to trust that our voice matters, even when we’re desperate to be heard.

But here’s the raw and unfiltered truth: your voice does matter. And learning to communicate assertively is one powerful way to reclaim it.

Understanding the 3 Main Communication Styles

We generally communicate in one of three ways: passive, aggressive, or assertive. These styles don’t just shape our words—they influence how we carry ourselves, how safe we feel in our bodies, and the core beliefs we hold about ourselves and others. By understanding these communication styles more deeply, we can begin to recognize unhelpful patterns, challenge old conditioning, and reframe how we see ourselves — with more compassion and clarity.

Passive Communication

You tend to put others’ needs before your own, avoid conflict, and say “yes” even when your heart is saying “no.” In the moment, this might feel like the safest choice—especially if you’ve been taught that speaking up could lead to rejection, punishment, or being labelled as difficult. For many in racialized communities, these patterns are not just personal, they’re protective responses shaped by culture, survival, and lived experience. 

But over time, passive communication can lead to feelings of resentment, invisibility, and emotional disconnection. You might begin to question whether your needs even matter at all.

In the body, this can look like:

• Avoiding eye contact

• Shrinking your posture or crossing your arms

• Shallow breathing

• Tightness in the throat or chest

• Feeling small, muted, or disconnected from your voice

Internal mantra:

“You’re okay. I’m not okay.”

This communication style reinforces the belief that other people’s comfort matters more than your truth. For those who’ve been silenced, overlooked, or taught to “stay in your place,” people-pleasing can feel like the only option. But just because this was your past pattern, it doesn’t mean it has to be your future.

Aggressive Communication

You express your needs in ways that may come across as forceful, reactive, or overpowering. This style often stems from deep frustration, unresolved pain, or the desperate need to finally be heard. For many—especially those who have been ignored, disrespected, or silenced—aggression becomes a protective shield. It can feel safer to build a wall, lash out, or try to stay in control than to risk being hurt again.

You may think: “If I don’t protect myself, who will?”

But this self-protection can unintentionally push others away and escalate conflict, leaving you feeling even more isolated or misunderstood. At its core, aggressive communication is often rooted in emotional dysregulation and deep insecurity—where expressing vulnerability may have never felt safe.

In the body, this can look like:

• Clenched jaw or fists

• Increased heart rate or shallow breath

• Tension in the shoulders

• Speaking rapidly or interrupting

• A sense of urgency to dominate or “win” the conversation

Internal mantra:

“I’m okay. You’re not okay.”

Aggressive communication is often a survival strategy, especially for those who have had to fight to be taken seriously. While the instinct to protect yourself is valid, it’s possible to express your truth without silencing others.

Assertive Communication

This is the middle ground. Assertive communication means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully—without minimizing yourself or overpowering others. It’s grounded in self-worth and mutual respect. For many of us in the BIPOC community, learning to be assertive isn’t just about speaking up—it’s about unlearning the belief that our voice is “too much” or doesn’t belong.

Assertiveness is a skill that supports meaningful relationships and helps us advocate for ourselves with clarity and compassion. It takes courage to own your truth and make room for others—and that balance is what makes assertive communication so powerful.

In the body, this can look like:

• Grounded feet and steady posture

• Relaxed shoulders

• Calm, even-paced breathing

• Eye contact that feels connected, not confrontational

• A sense of alignment between your words and your truth

Internal mantra:

“I’m okay. You’re okay.”

Assertive communication says: My needs matter—and so do yours.

It allows us to show up with authenticity, confidence, and care. And here’s something important to remember: most of us don’t communicate the same way in every situation. You might feel assertive with trusted friends, passive at work, or reactive when someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries

.

That’s not a flaw, it’s a survival response. These patterns are often shaped by our relationships, cultural upbringing, and lived experiences. But they’re not fixed.

This is where therapy can help. In a safe, supportive, and culturally affirming space, you can begin to unpack where these patterns come from, explore what’s getting in the way of your voice, and start practicing new ways of showing up. Your voice is not too much, it’s worthy of being heard.

So… How Do You Start Practicing Assertiveness?

It begins with noticing. Start by asking:

• Where do I feel the need to shrink?

• What spaces feel safe to speak my truth?

• What fears come up when I try to say what I need?

Then, begin to gently challenge those fears.

1. Validate your feelings

Before you try to change anything, start by honouring your experience. Of course it’s hard to speak up when you’ve been silenced. Your story makes sense.

2. Reconnect to your worth

Assertiveness flows from a place of knowing: “I matter. My voice matters too.” That knowing takes time—but it’s something we can nurture together.

3. Use “I” statements

Practice saying things like, “I feel overwhelmed and need a break,” or “I’m not comfortable with that.” Clear doesn’t have to mean harsh.

4. Start small and build

You don’t have to be bold overnight. Begin with people you trust. Practice saying no. Ask for what you need. Each small moment is a win.

5. Notice your body

Assertiveness isn’t just about words—it’s about how you carry yourself. Ground your feet. Take a breath. Let your body remember: you’re allowed to take up space.

Final Thoughts

Learning to be assertive is an act of healing. It’s a return to the truth that your needs are valid. Your voice is sacred. And you don’t have to shout to be heard.

Whether you’re just starting or unlearning decades of silence, you’re doing important work. And you don’t have to do it alone.

If this resonates with you, therapy can be a supportive space to unpack your story, explore your patterns, and begin showing up more fully—confidently and unapologetically.

Your voice matters. And you are worthy of being heard.

References & Suggested Reading

→Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Living (10th ed.). New Harbinger Publications.

→ A foundational text on assertiveness, boundaries, and communication patterns.

Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.

→ Discusses the connection between early relational trauma and later patterns of disempowerment or silence.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

→ Includes modules on interpersonal effectiveness and body awareness through mindfulness.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.

→ Offers tools for honest, respectful, and compassionate communication.

Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

→ Explores how trauma is stored in the body and can impact how we show up and speak up.

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About the Author: 

Felicia Fischhoff, RP

Felicia Fischhoff, RP (she/her) is a proud Jamaican Canadian and devoted mother of two spirited boys. She is the founder and clinical director of Rooted in Resilience Psychotherapy & Wellness, an Ontario-based practice committed to providing safe, affirming, and culturally responsive care for racialized and marginalized communities.

Felicia is also the host of The Mental Health Hour on LuvBay Afrobeat and Live Talk Radio, where she leads weekly conversations on healing, identity, and emotional wellness. In 2025, she was honoured as a Top 40 Under 40 Healthcare Hero by the Markham Board of Trade for her leadership and impact in the mental health field.

As a Registered Psychotherapist, Felicia specializes in trauma, racial trauma, PTSD, family dynamics, and relationship challenges. Her therapeutic approach is grounded in trauma-informed and anti-oppressive practices, with deep respect for the lived experiences of every client she serves.

With over a decade of experience in the nonprofit sector, Felicia co-founded a charitable organization supporting survivors of sex trafficking. Through this work, she has witnessed the incredible strength and resilience of those reclaiming their stories and rebuilding their lives.

Felicia is passionate about helping individuals and communities break generational cycles, reconnect with their inner strength, and build lives rooted in dignity, healing, and resilience.